


With Love, Izaya

by sasucakes



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Belligerent Sexual Tension, Canon Disabled Character, Depressed Orihara Izaya, Disregard The Sunset with Izaya, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-デュラララ!!×２ 結 | Durarara!!x2 Ketsu, Requited Love, Sexual Tension, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2020-09-28 10:35:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20424539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasucakes/pseuds/sasucakes
Summary: They finally talk.





	1. Lonely Man

__ _****Ikebukuro - Nishi-guchi Park_

_Evening_

_April_

***

Shizuo could no longer sleep at night.

When he realized how he felt about Izaya he lost his mind, but he had been with Celty at the time so she talked him down. They were walking to the store together and Shizuo thought he smelled Izaya’s cologne and he started tripping over his words. They talked for a long time, and Celty didn't pull her punches.

[Do you think you love him?]

Shizuo stared at her pda, took off his glasses, and then had a panic attack. Celty brought him down from that as well.

It had been over a year since Izaya had disappeared, and Shizuo had come to some realizations. It had not been easy or painless.

[I think you should try to talk to him.]

“How?” Shizuo asked, incredulous.

[Don’t you still have his phone number?]

Shizuo couldn’t believe she was serious. He did still have Izaya’s number, but it didn't matter.

“He wouldn’t want to hear from me.” Shizuo turned and gripped the railing of the side of the overpass they stood on. The metal caved weakly underneath his hands as his eyes watered. “I can’t just- text him or something-”

Celty placed her hand on his shoulder.

[I know this is a bit harsh, but what more do you have to lose?]

He knew she was right, but he had no idea how to go about doing it.

Shizuo watched Tom cross the street as he lit another cigarette. Soon March came and went, and then it was April, and Shizuo felt time begin to suffocate him.

“You’re smoking more than usual, aren't you Shizuo?” Tom sat down on the bench beside him. Shizuo didn’t respond. “Just an observation.” 

Shizuo shook his head, “I was just thinking.” Tom was right about the smoking. He felt the need to satisfy a newfound anxiety.

“I can tell there’s been a lot on your mind,” Tom paused, lighting one of his own, “You know I’ll listen if you want to talk.”

Shizuo tried.

“Tom, do you get bored?”

“Bored of what?”

“I don’t know,” Shizuo watched across the street as a group of kids disappeared into an alley, “Bored of the city. Tired of doing the same thing. Something like that.”

“Yeah, of course I do. But I think you can only really be living if you enjoy those moments too, you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“Those passing moments are the majority of your life. If your life is meaningful in the way you want it to be, then monotony isn’t that bad.”

Shizuo laughed. “You’re a really smart guy, Tom.”

Tom smiled. “I know. Where’s this coming from?”

Shizuo watched the streets in front of him, noisy and busy even at nine o’clock on a Wednesday night. A whole world was before him, but he felt incredibly isolated and empty.

“...I just don’t know what to do with myself.”

“You have been really out of it lately.”

“Sorry,” Shizuo murmured.

“No, I've been really worried about you actually,” Tom took a long drag of his cigarette. “I was trying to figure out what it was, but-”

“Yeah,” Shizuo finished for him. Tom was politely silent, until it became apparent that Shizuo wasn't going to be adding anything. “Look, if it’s none of my business, we can drop it. No problem. But I think you…” Tom trailed off.

Shizuo understood the hesitation. But luckily Celty had beat Tom to the Izaya talk already.

“You think I what,” Shizuo supplied calmly.

Tom gave him a skeptical look but eventually answered, “You _really _miss him.”

Shizuo sighed.

“I do. And I think I...” Shizuo shook his head, overwhelmed. Tom already knew anyways. 

Tom smiled. “Yeah.”

“Yeah.” Shizuo repeated, putting out his cigarette on the bottom of his shoe.

“Have you…” Tom trailed off.

“Celty told me I should call him, but I haven't tried yet...” Shizuo answered.

“Well damn...” Tom stood up and Shizuo followed. "It's never too late, you know."

"I know. I keep telling myself that too." Shizuo said as they made their way out of the park and back towards the office.

"It's really not, Shizuo."

After that the walk back was heavy with silence. Shizuo figured Tom was respectfully keeping quiet, but Shizuo really wanted anything but.  


“What do you think you’re going to do?” Tom finally asked, right before they made it back to the building.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"You can try to find him." Tom supplied, offhand.

"Are you serious?" Shizuo laughed.

"I know you're serious about how you feel about him." 

"Damn, you really don't hold anything back, do you?" Shizuo looked away, embarrassed, although he was smiling.

"You're such a big softie, there's never been anything to be afraid of in the first place." Tom grinned back.

They were climbing the stairs to the second floor when Shizuo heard Tom say from above him, "I bet you really could find him, you know. Not that that's necessarily the way you should go about it."

"I don't know what way to go about this at all." 

That night Shizuo texted Izaya.   


  


* * *

  


_Goodsprings, Nevada _  


_Dawn_

_April_

***

  


A lot of people stared at Izaya when he went into town, so he usually didn't. 

Goodsprings was two hours away from Death Valley, with an average temperature of 70 degrees Fahrenheit during the day and 55 at night. He stayed outside the city, off of Fayle Street, which was a road made up of sand and dirt much like the rest of Goodsprings. He had not intended to end up here.

Izaya first went to America to run away from both Shizuo and his pressing desire to die. He had very little interest in living at all, but he went on, because he couldn't bear the alternative.

He desperately needed something to do.

Izaya went into university to thoroughly overwork himself. He went to NYU to study Spanish and Psychology. He often worked overnight in the library. He took seven classes per semester, and received a lot of attention that he did not want. Izaya ignored everyone around him. 

In the spring semester he left NYU for Harvard, because too many people were asking about him for his liking. At Harvard a visiting professor of Computer Programming urged him to spend a semester at Oxford. Izaya didn't want to pursue programming at all, but he wanted to get out of America, so he figured he'd let himself be recruited. He ended up staying in England a lot longer than he would have liked. He’d been before when he was younger, and he had a lot of disturbing memories of being there with his family. He thought he’d feel different coming back as an adult, but he didn’t. He felt sick to his stomach all the time. He left in the middle of the semester and went back to America to finish his degree. He graduated early. Like really, really early. Three years early. He couldn't believe how bored he was. 

He traveled the world and studied on his own to prepare research for his Master's program. During that time he felt his health quickly deteriorating. He went through Florence, Venice, Belgrade, Moscow, Chisinau, Prague, Stockholm, Dresden, and then to Klaipėda, a nothing town that was as good as any to be clinically depressed in, off the coast of Lithuania. At times he thought maybe he was the most despicable thing to have ever happened to the human race. He also realized he had grown agitated at the noise of people and cities. And he felt like he could very possibly die if he didn't change something about the way he was living.

He ended up in Goodsprings because his Linguistics professor at Harvard, who was born in Phoenix, Arizona, told him after class one day that she had grandparents there. They left her a dilapidated warehouse and she didn't know what to do with it and had no interest in going somewhere with a population of 200. Izaya had gotten along well with her. Most people knew about him no matter what school he was enrolled in at the time, but it didn't make any difference to her. She was much more demanding of him compared to his peers and she told him outright that it was because he was too smart for his own good, so he needed more work to do. She never mentioned the fact that he was in a wheelchair unless it was expressly necessary. One day Izaya had the passing thought that she was like an attentive mother that he'd never had. After that he closed himself off to an extreme and since she was polite it stayed that way. 

He didn't think he'd ever come back to that information, but he ended up calling her from Lithuania to offer to buy the property. She laughed at him for a long time and accepted his offer because she said she could "Tell he wasn't playing around". She tried to ask how he'd been and sounded fed up with him before he'd even formed his non-answer. He told her that he missed her class, and meant it. Izaya recognized that this professor was maybe the only person he had had any kind of friendship with after leaving the city. Izaya told her he'd write to her later. 

_'Write to me? Am I not the one who's turning 65 here? Besides, they don't even have a post office in Goodsprings!'_

_'I know.'_ Izaya had answered, smiling,_ 'The closest one is seven miles out, by a place called Terrible's.' _

_'Terrible's?'_

_'Terrible's Hotel and Casino.'_

_'Kid, are you going to be ok out there in the middle of nowhere?'_

_'You mean why did I come here?'_

_'Don't be such a smart-ass Orihara. I'm worried about you going to that hell hole.'_

Izaya laughed before telling her good-bye again. His professor was right. The Nevada desert was no place to be chronically ill and wheelchair bound. He didn't care. He wanted to be entirely alone. 

There was a midwestern American gothic red wood cabin behind the warehouse where he slept. He studied Spanish, French, and Latin and read constantly. Once every two weeks he called a car to take him into Las Vegas so he could buy groceries, which caused people to stare from the edges of town like they'd never seen anyone like Orihara Izaya before. Maybe they hadn't. He had to admit that he already stood out, and now he was against a backdrop of nothing but beige dirt and architecture that looked like it survived America's Great Depression.

He wanted to go back to university, but he knew he couldn't survive anymore travel. He also knew that regardless, he was just distracting himself from Shizuo.

He had stayed up all night turning half of the warehouse into a study. He wanted to set up some bookshelves but his arms were too weak to lift anything that was heavier than twenty pounds. He was back in the cabin, watching the dim light of morning with his coffee and breakfast of rice and miso soup. No one would ever believe that he was in this place. The fact comforted him.

He heard his phone go off at seven in the morning.   


  


* * *

_  
_

_Ikebukuro - Koyasu Inari Shrine_  


_Day_  


_June_

  


***

  


“I know it’s not your scene, but I really think it would be good for you.”

“Mm…”

“You don’t have to stay the whole time.”

“I guess.”

“So you’ll go?”

“…Yeah. I’ll go.”

“That’s great! I thought you’d put up more of a fight really…”

“I like Yoyogi a lot.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. My mom would take me and Kasuka all the time when we were little.”

“It’s beautiful there.”

“Mhm.”

“Alright. Well you have a whole three months from now to get a suit. And wear something nice, Shizuo. For all you know you might end up having a good time.”

"Something nice?"

"Yeah, something nice." Tom looked at his watch, "Damn, it's already been twenty minutes. Let's get back."

"Right."

  


* * *

  


_ Klinik Hirslanden -  _ _ Zürich, Switzerland _

_ Day _

_August_

  


***

  


  


Izaya left Goodsprings abruptly. 

_ 'Izaya, if you get this, please answer me.' _

Shizuo's message derailed everything. He hated that it gave him so much hope and made him feel so incredibly alive. He hadn't felt alive in a long time.

"You've made incredible progress."  His doctor was reviewing charts as Izaya listened politely. "You still shouldn't walk unassisted, but I think you could in a few weeks."

"That soon?" Izaya had been in rehabilitation for three months now. He thought about Shizuo the entire time.

"Yes. You should take things slowly, though."

"Of course," Izaya was looking out the window.  


"Please, Izaya. You've come very far." 

Izaya regarded his doctor, surprised. He wasn't accustomed to the attention or kindness that people afforded him after he left Ikebukuro.

"Alright," He answered, "I'll take it slowly."

  


* * *

  


_Harajuku Station - Shibuya _  


_Afternoon_

_September_

***

  


Shizuo waited for Tom outside of the station, growing impatient. He already felt uncomfortable in his suit. He wanted a cigarette but didn't bring any because he thought it would be rude to smell like smoke at a wedding.

"Wow, look at you!"  Tom emerged from the crowd, smiling. He was wearing a deep burgundy suit. "You look great, Shizuo."

"Oh...thanks. You too."

"Why are you so bashful? You're _hot _Shizuo."

"Stop it," Shizuo blushed and looked away, falling into step beside Tom as they headed to the park.

"I know a certain someone would agree with me, too."

"What?" Shizuo asked. "What are you talking about?"

Tom just side-eyed him, sly.

"Oh..." Shizuo felt butterflies in his stomach at the mere implication of Izaya. "You really think so?"

"No question about it."

"Hm..." Shizuo smiled and tried to take it to heart. 

"Did you ever hear back from him?" Tom asked after a moment of silence. His tone was no longer playful.

"No," Shizuo answered, "Nothing."

Tom sighed and pulled a cigarette and lighter out of his jacket. 

"I'm really sorry," He held another out to Shizuo, "Want one?"

"I didn't want to give a bad impression..."

"Bad impression?" Tom laughed. "It's just my sister's wedding. I promise they'll like you."

"I hope so," Shizuo gratefully took the cigarette.

Shizuo thought that the subject would be dropped, but Tom spoke up when they were a few blocks from the park.

"You know, I always thought he liked you."

"Really?" 

"Yeah," Tom affirmed. "I mean, looking back it's actually pretty obvious. His end more than yours."

"I wish I could believe that."

"Really," Tom stressed, "I'm sure of it."

"Well, it's not like it would make any difference now."

"I wouldn't say that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"You'll will that negativity into existence." 

Shizuo laughed at that.

"I think there's already a lot of negativity there on it's own."

"I can't deny that," Tom answered, "But I really do have a feeling."

Shizuo couldn't help but feel incredibly hopeful.

"What kind of feeling?"

Tom gave him one last look as the park entrance came into view.

"Like something's going to happen."

  


  


* * *

_Harajuku Rehabilitation Hospital - Shibuya_  


_Early Evening_

_September_

***

Izaya came back to Japan after undergoing physical therapy in Switzerland. He had gotten a lot stronger and a lot healthier, and after staying at the clinic for months he realized he was incredibly homesick.

He didn't want to be too close to Ikebukuro, though. Shinjuku either. Nowhere that anyone would expect him. 

He got an apartment in Yokohama, where he could see the bay from his window, and started deliberating going back to school. 

"Mr. Orihara?"

"Yes?" 

"You're all done for today. We'll see you again in two weeks, ok?"

"Alright, thank you." Izaya smiled tiredly at the nurse.

"Would you like a wheelchair?"

"No, thank you," Izaya stood carefully, "I'll be alright."

Izaya checked himself out with the receptionist and then rode the elevator down.

He could walk, with a cane, about once every other week. Since coming back from Switzerland he'd made regular visits to the hospital to continue his therapy. It had taken him a long time to find a doctor that he liked. When he did they ended up being an hour away from Yokohama. He didn't mind the car ride, however, and appreciated being able to see all the life around him. The hospital was also nearby Yoyogi park, and he had made a habit of walking there after his doctor appointments. 

Izaya passed the clock tower and headed toward the rose garden, where he liked to sit and people watch.

He was exhausted, and knew he had pushed himself too hard today, but it was worth it. Autumn in Yoyogi park was beautiful, and the routine he established had given him more reason to live.

Outside of the garden he saw a gathering of family and friends, laughing and celebrating. Izaya studied the group for a while and saw that someone had been married. 

He smiled and closed his eyes.

* * *

_Yoyogi Park - Shibuya_

_Evening_

_September_

***

Shizuo surprised himself by having a good time.

Tom’s family had a courtyard by the central fountain booked for the reception. Shizuo didn’t know many of Tom’s family members, but he had always loved Yoyogi park. After the ceremony he drank champagne that he didn’t like and talked mostly with Tom's grandmother, who was very funny and smoked a tobacco pipe.

Shizuo watched as Tom’s sister kissed her wife underneath a massive ginkgo tree, a sea of fallen yellow flowers underneath their feet. Not too far away from them, Tom laughed loudly, the handsome man he was talking with smiling affectionately, pleased that Tom found him so funny. Shizuo turned away and wandered down a nearby path. He couldn’t help but feel a trace of the dreadful loneliness he’d been running away from resurface when he saw such beautiful moments of love and intimacy.

They always made him think of Izaya. He had no idea why. Nothing so gentle or compassionate had ever, ever, been exchanged between them. And yet Shizuo returned again and again to the thought of him.

What was he going to do with these feelings? He was absolutely damned. Izaya hated him. Izaya was _gone_.

Shizuo stared at his shimmering reflection in a nearby pool, his thoughts turning more and more grim, when suddenly he felt violently pulled back into the present.

Shizuo jerked his head up. Beyond the white archway at the entrance to the rose garden, sitting on a bench underneath the shade, was Izaya.

He was about thirty feet away and obscured by the darkness the trees cast above him, but it was Izaya.

Shizuo stared. He was dreaming.

_No_, Shizuo thought, _I can smell him_. Shizuo had tunnel vision. _Coffee, sharpie markers, cologne. I can never remember the name of it, but he told me once._

Shizuo watched Izaya lean back against the bench and stare up into the trees.

_Something new. Smoke_.

Shizuo inhaled sharply.

_Rubbing alcohol?_

Shizuo walked in a daze to the archway, his eyes set on Izaya, who was staring at the crowd made up of Tom’s family and friends and looking uncharacteristically out of it.

Izaya, who appeared somber, reserved, and very, very, different.

His hair was longer than Shizuo remembered, and it made his face even prettier. And yes, Shizuo knew more than anyone that Izaya was as pretty as all hell. He had eyes and wasn’t a damn moron. He had thought it as soon as the two of them met.

There was a softness to Izaya’s energy that Shizuo had never seen before, and didn’t know could exist. He no longer felt impossibly sharp around the edges.

He had on black pants and a white button down shirt, with a black jacket thrown over his shoulder. He had a black cane resting against the bench beside him. He looked so tired. He had closed his eyes and become completely motionless.

Shizuo’s stomach turned. It was Izaya. Right in front of him.

Shizuo held his breath as he walked. He was waiting for Izaya to see him, or to just disappear. But he didn’t. Someone else might have thought he was sleeping. Shizuo kept walking forward without thinking, and suddenly he was right there with him, stunned that Izaya hadn’t noticed yet.

He looked for just a bit longer, before he couldn’t help but breathe, “Izaya?”

  


* * *

  


Izaya couldn't believe his eyes. 

“Izaya? W-”

Izaya saw Shizuo. He heard him talking too, but it was like his voice was underwater. A high pitched ringing started to drown out everything, even his vision.

Suddenly Izaya saw Shizuo’s hand reaching out to touch him. Izaya jerked back violently and then backed himself into the corner of the bench. Shizuo jumped, alarmed at the intensity of the movement.

“Did you get my-”

Izaya cut Shizuo off. He flew off the bench and stumbled into a full sprint. 

He knew Shizuo was chasing him. Izaya could hear him shouting his name. It sounded absolutely nothing like it used to. It sounded desperate, wild, and confused. Izaya kept running. He felt Shizuo behind him as sure as the light of day.

He had made it to the park exit. Five minutes away was Harajuku station.

Izaya ran harder and as his feet hit the sidewalk his world started to spin faster and faster. And then he fell, the roar of silence drowning out his hearing. And then he saw black.


	2. A Stopped Clock is Right Twice a Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks you guys ~

_West of the Tobu Tojo Line, Shizuo's Apartment - Ikebukuro _

_Night_

_September_

***

Izaya woke to the sound of glass shattering. Then he heard a quiet, “Damn it…”

_Shizuo._

Izaya sat up quickly and got vertigo. He clasped his hand to his head as the blood rushed behind his eyes. Before he could even see straight Shizuo appeared by his side, and Izaya nearly jumped out of his skin.

“Sorry,” Shizuo took a few steps back from him with wide eyes.

“Where am I?”

“My apartment.” Shizuo answered quickly.

Izaya took inventory of himself. He was wearing his clothes from that evening, his black boots taken off his feet and a thin blanket covering him. He was laying on a couch. He looked to his right and saw a cherry wood coffee table with nothing but a glass of water on it and a bottle of ibuprofen. Shizuo was standing silently at the side of the couch and looking as out of his mind as Izaya felt.

“Can you tell me the particular reason why?” Izaya asked.

Shizuo hoped he wasn’t imagining ironic note in Izaya’s voice. It was familiar and comforting.

“You passed out.” Shizuo said it like an accusation.

“You chased me.” Izaya bit back.

Shizuo was taken aback. “I wanted-” Shizuo stepped around the side of the couch towards Izaya.

“Don’t!” Izaya shouted.

Shizuo had never heard Izaya sound like that once in his life. Shizuo backed away, stunned, and then stumbled and fell unceremoniously onto the living room floor. Izaya seemed placated by Shizuo’s clumsiness, and he looked down at his lap.

“I’m sorry.” Izaya offered quietly. “I didn’t mean to raise my voice.”

Shizuo could not believe his ears. His stomach dropped violently.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I scared you.”

“Is this real?” Izaya studied his hands and then laughed. “What kind of afterlife is this?”

“Izaya, this is real.”

“It sounds like you don’t even believe that yourself.”

“You should drink some water.” Shizuo answered mindlessly. Izaya looked wildly out of place on his dark blue futon, sitting underneath a thin white blanket. He even held himself like he was out of place, everything poised at the exact right angle and posture, making Shizuo feel extremely pedestrian.

“What are you wearing, by the way?”

Shizuo looked down at his clothes; the black suit he had worn for the ceremony. He took off his jacket after Izaya brought attention to it, feeling like he had been caught doing something wrong.

“I was at a wedding.” Shizuo said, tossing the jacket onto the coffee table.

“It looks really good on you,” Izaya said mildly.

“What?”

Izaya gave him a look of annoyance. “I said you look good.”

“Are you joking?”

“Aren’t you going to kill me?” Izaya was dead serious, with no attention to Shizuo’s question.

“No-” Shizuo began, startled, “I’m not.”

And right then Shizuo realized the full weight of what Izaya had to be feeling. He remembered the last time they had seen each other. Shizuo lurched forward and held his head in his hands. He was going to be sick.

“Why am I here?” Izaya’s voice brought him back.

Shizuo blurted, “I can’t stop thinking about you.” Then he tried to amend with, “Did you ever get my message?”

Izaya was silent.

“I need-” Shizuo tried again, “I need to talk to you.”

He thought he would scream by the time that it took Izaya to answer, “Talk?”

“I’m serious.” Shizuo pressed.

Izaya just tilted his head and stared. Shizuo had never seen such genuine confusion on him before.

“Ok then,” Shizuo heard after a lifetime. He tried to gauge Izaya’s fucking inscrutable face.

“Ok?” Shizuo repeated.

“What else am I supposed to say?”

“You don’t have to be here,” Shizuo started.

“Don’t I?” Izaya was smirking and Shizuo quelled a familiar feeling of anger directed at all the secrets being kept behind it.

“No, you don’t. I really won’t keep you here if you want to leave right now.”

Izaya didn’t say anything, simply stared unflinchingly. He was so stonily silent that it freaked Shizuo out.

“What?” he asked.

“But I couldn’t.” Izaya said with a smile, tapping his leg twice. Shizuo’s eyes flew to Izaya’s delicate index finger resting against the outline of his thigh underneath the blanket.

“You can’t walk?” Shizuo could slap himself. Izaya didn’t look offended though.

“Sometimes.”

Shizuo was consumed with frustration at Izaya’s indifferent attitude. It felt so instinctual and familiar. Even with the Izaya sitting before him, that Shizuo hadn’t seen in a long time.

“What do you mean sometimes?”

Izaya glared at Shizuo and said, “I mean sometimes I can and sometimes I can’t!” The sheer hostility felt like a slap in the face. Izaya fell back against the couch and huffed, just as quickly shifting into an air of mild irritation.

“I’m sorry.” Shizuo said carefully.

He was preoccupied with Izaya’s violent but fleeting emotional outbursts. Everything had always been perfectly articulated before.

“I shouldn’t have asked that.” He added.

“Why aren’t you getting mad at me?” Izaya asked like he hadn’t heard the apology.

Shizuo answered honestly, “It doesn’t seem like you’re trying to make me.”

Izaya’s eyes went wide and then he laughed shortly. “I guess it really always has been that simple.”

Izaya closed his eyes and Shizuo saw his fingers twitching in his lap. Shizuo was in shock at these new mannerisms. Izaya looked so human that it was uncanny. Shizuo could look at him all day long and still feel like he hadn’t seen enough.

_Is this what he’s been hiding underneath that front all this time?_

“I’m sorry I scared you,” Shizuo felt the need to stress again.

“I’m sorry I dropped a crane on you.” Izaya answered without hesitation.

Shizuo stalled for a second and then burst into laughter himself. “I didn’t know you had a proper sense of humor.”

Izaya gaped.

Shizuo laughed in surprise, “That’s a good look on you.”

“What?” Izaya asked, looking put off and aggravated at his lack of information. Shizuo felt a strange thrill rush through him at being the cause of it. At being more in control. He studied Izaya’s self-righteous look of annoyance for a few seconds longer and realized that he was getting hard.

“What?” Izaya asked again, voice darker.

“I don’t know!” Shizuo replied, standing up and starting to pace beside the coffee table. He couldn’t bear to look at Izaya again for fear of giving into some kind of intense primal urge that he did not understand.

“This is why you brought me here?”

“Give me a break!” Shizuo snapped.

“Ok,” Izaya said, impassive. Shizuo heard him unscrewing the ibuprofen bottle and then drinking from the water glass.

_His response is ‘ok’? Fucking ok?_ _I should be mad but he’s just turning me on._

“Do you have my jacket?” Shizuo heard Izaya ask.

“Yeah, why?”

“Can you bring it to me?”

Shizuo found himself walking to the dining room where Izaya’s jacket was hanging on a chair, thankful for something to preoccupy himself with. He walked back and held it outstretched in one hand.

“Thank you.”

Shizuo studied Izaya intently as he reached into the pocket and took out a small cigarette case.

“Do you mind?”

“No,” Shizuo answered before he’d processed why Izaya had asked.

Izaya opened the case and took out a white pill.

“I was just kidding.” Izaya said as he held up the pill for Shizuo to see before putting it in his mouth and swallowing with a drink of water.

“What is that?” Shizuo asked, feeling afraid for some reason.

“Five milligrams of Xanax.” Izaya asked, sincere, “Why do you ask?”

“I-” Shizuo fumbled. He didn’t know how to explain himself.

Izaya seemed to move on quickly though. “I do have to ask though,” he began, and Shizuo saw him reaching into the cigarette case again, “Do you actually mind?”

Izaya had taken out what looked like a cigarette. “Is that a joint?”

“Do you mind?” Shizuo was shocked. Izaya was simply too aristocratic to be smoking weed.

“Where did you get that?”

Izaya laughed before bringing it to his lips, procuring a lighter from his pocket and lighting the end, somehow taking Shizuo’s question as permission.

“Why, do you want to partake?” Izaya blinked and exhaled a smoke ring, looking like he was three million miles away.

Shizuo tore his eyes and away and sighed in aggravation. He walked to the kitchen and brought back a chair. He sat down and breathed deeply, then he crossed his arms and stared Izaya down.

“Would you please be serious with me?”

“I am.” Izaya watched Shizuo like a cat, bringing the joint to his lips again. Shizuo didn’t falter.

“Would you actually?” He growled and Izaya flinched. Shizuo immediately backtracked. “Sorry-”

“It’s fine,” Izaya snapped.

Shizuo sighed and held his head in his hands. Then he asked, “Why do you smoke that?”

“I have chronic pain.”

Shizuo blinked. He didn’t feel like he could press any further because Izaya’s gaze was like a fortress.

“Oh.”

“Why am I actually here Shizuo?”

Shizuo felt like he had the wind knocked out of him hearing Izaya say his full name, without any trace of aggression. Izaya didn’t wait for him to catch up.

“Did you lose your nerve because I can’t fight back anymore? Upset that you can't properly finish the job?”

“I- No!” Shizuo interjected. “Like I said you passed out and- and I wasn’t going to leave you there on the ground.”

“Why not?” Izaya asked plainly.

Shizuo paused. “I...couldn’t,” Izaya didn’t look pacified. “I wanted to make sure you were ok.” 

Izaya balked. “To make sure I was _ok_?”

“Yes!”

Izaya was just staring at him waiting for the punchline, his eyes wide.

Shizuo insisted, “I _need_ to talk to you, Izaya.”

Izaya spared him one more look of confusion before his expression turned as stony and guarded as ever.

“Can you get me a change of clothes? I feel really overheated.”

“Like wha-”

“Anything. Please, Shizuo.”

Shizuo stood up in a daze, intensely startled at the vacancy of Izaya’s tone. Hearing his actual name from Izaya was going to take a lot of getting used to. He headed to his bedroom to find Izaya some clothes.

He was looking through his things for only a minute or two before he felt something change in the air.

* * *

Izaya bolted.

He jumped off of the couch and tossed the end of his joint back into the cigarette box. He hesitated, looking around the room. He was definitely not as quick as he used to be.

He grabbed his jacket from the couch behind him and tugged it on. He felt the time quickly slipping away before Shizuo would return. He leapt around the coffee table and tugged on his shoes. He realized his cane was left behind at Yoyogi, but he needed to run if he was going to make it so it didn't matter.

He had a lot of anti-anxiety medicine relaxing his muscles; the xanax from just before and his morning klonopin. But it still hurt, very, very badly. His eyes prickled with tears and he blinked them back quickly. As he stood up and looked down the hall and saw the broken glass on the floor that Shizuo had dropped earlier, the one that woke him up.

Izaya turned to the door.

Shizuo had left it unlocked. Izaya twisted the handle without breathing, and counted his heartbeats as he stepped through the door. He was expertly silent. When he stepped out into the darkness of the night, he faltered. Izaya swore he could feel the moment Shizuo started listening.

He stumbled backwards and then ran down the staircase and out into the street. Momentarily he thought he might pass out again. He ran, unstable, heading for denser city. He needed to find a station.

He wanted so badly to be here under different circumstances.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and quickly pulled up the only number he could think of. The line rang twice, and then went through.

“Hello?” Izaya gasped. He heard a rustle on the other side of the line.

“If you’re listening,” Izaya knew he had no time to waste, “I know you could probably care less, and I-” he laughed upon hearing the desperation in his voice, “I can’t believe you picked up.”

Izaya went through an alley and then hid behind a large store sign, blinding neon surrounding him. He closed his eyes for a second, unable to concentrate.

“I ran away from Shizuo- he’s probably chasing me now, I- I just didn’t know what to do-” The line clicked and Izaya looked down at his phone in terror.

Then he got one text message.

_Come to my apartment. _

Izaya laughed, absolutely dizzy with relief. Kita-Ikebukuro station was only a few blocks away. 

He was going to make it.

* * *

Shizuo stared at his empty living room. He could smell the smoke from Izaya’s joint still hanging in the air. And his cologne.

All of Izaya’s things were gone, and so was he. He can’t be far. Shizuo was out the door. He ran down the stairs and into the street, looking in all possible directions. He quickly headed towards the closest station.

He should have known better than to believe that Izaya really needed a change of clothes. There was no way he could have even been warm. He looked more frail than ever before. Shizuo even saw him shivering.

_How is he **walking**?_

Izaya was being honest when he told Shizuo he couldn’t walk. He said he could walk sometimes, but Shizuo could tell he couldn’t at that moment. He could see vulnerability, and it wasn’t something Shizuo would miss on Izaya. Which meant Izaya would end up passed out on the street somewhere like before, or that he was hurting himself very very badly by running.

Shizuo muffled a scream and grabbed his head with his hands. He inhaled deeply and resolved himself to find him, and quickly. He made it to the station in under five minutes. He’s close by, Shizuo realized, feeling his skin prickling.

_No matter what I do I always end up chasing him._

Shizuo knew where Izaya was going. He knew because of the unnamed magnetism that had always existed between them.

He started running towards Saitama as he pulled his phone out and dialed Kadota's number. 

No answer.

_Damn-it!_

Shizuo punched it in again, dodging through traffic mindlessly. 

_'Kyohei Kadota's live answering service?'_

"Uh- Hello? Wh-"

_It's Heiwajima! Wow, it's been months Shizuo-_

"Rokujou? Is that you? Where's Kadota?" Shizuo heard people shouting around him, typical attention he got in the city, and ducked into an alley. "Why do you-?" Shizuo heard Rokujou laughing and Kadota in the background.

_'I said just tell him I'd be a minute- _Hey Shizuo, sorry about him. What's up?"

"Kadota, hey, I know this is- Well- I really need a favor."

"Hey- you ok? What's going on?"

"I'd have to explain later, I just need a ride- To Celty's. I can't make it there fast enough just running and-"

"I- Saburo's got the van-" Shizuo heard Rokujou say something to Kadota. "Wait, yeah I can do that. Me and Chikage will meet you. Where are you right now?"

"Uh-" _Rokujou too? "_I'm by Senkawa station."

"Alright. I'm not too far. We'll be there in about fifteen, ok?"

"Thanks, Kadota." Kadota said some kind of muffled affirmation barely before the line went dead. 

Shizuo thrust his phone back into his pocket and started pacing in front of the station. 


	3. Call a Spade a Spade

In fifteen minutes Shizuo was riding on the back of Rokujou’s bike towards Celty’s apartment. 

Izaya must have taken a cab there. Otherwise he wouldn’t have made it in under an hour, and that wasn’t even taking into account his injuries. 

“You ok back there?” Rokujou asked, shouting over the engine. 

Shizuo didn’t feel ok.

“I’m fine- do you always drive this slow?”

Chikage laughed as the light turned green.

“I’m going the speed limit!” He shouted and took off again. 

Rokujou drove faster afterwards.

When they got there he had barely stopped the bike before Shizuo was climbing off.

“Hey!” Chikage began as Shizuo purposefully walked towards the building.

“Yeah?” Shizuo turned around, “What is it?”

“Helmet?” Rokujou pointed towards his head and grinned.

“Damnit,” Shizuo wrenched the helmet off and walked back over.

“Wait- Shizuo,” Rokujou said after Shizuo handed it back to him, “I don’t think you should rush in there like this.”

“Like what? You don’t even know-

“I know,” Rokujou shrugged, “I’ve got absolutely no idea what’s going on, but I can see you aren’t thinking clearly.”

Shizuo entertained the thought for a second before turning and walking away

“I’ll be back. But you don’t have to wait,” He called over his shoulder.

“Wow, ok-” 

Chikage's voice was drowned out as Shizuo disappeared inside and went for the stairs.

_When has Izaya ever been on good terms with _ ** _Celty?_**

He was in front of her apartment in an instant. Knocking felt rude. What could he do instead? He raised his hand but then heard the lock click and the door opened before he did anything.

[Hey Shizuo.]

“Celty-How did you-?” 

Celty waved her hand nonchalantly.

[Izaya told me you were here.]

Shizuo wasn't even surprised. He was actually very satisfied. Izaya could still just tell if he was around. But then Shizuo thought of why Izaya would be especially aware these days. 

“Don’t worry, I’m not-” Shizuo went quiet when he saw that Celty was typing again.

[I know. He told me what happened.]

A flood of childish jealousy consumed Shizuo at the implication of some private moment transpiring between Celty and Izaya. 

“What did he say to you?” Shizuo asked too quickly. “Is he ok?”

Then Shizuo heard Izaya’s voice.

“Celty?”

Shizuo heard, _ I know you’re there, Shizuo. _

[Wait here.] Celty typed after tense silence. She was back after a minute, looking considerably more grim.

[He’s not doing well.] Was all she said.

“Is he hurt?” 

Celty regarded him carefully and then typed out, [Yes.]

“I need to see him-” Shizuo immediately stepped around Celty, but she backed around him quickly, waving her hands frantically.

[You can't!]

Shizuo stopped in his tracks.

[He’s really not]- She struggled, pausing to look down the hall, [He needs time.] 

Shizuo was silent as the message sank in. 

[He needs to rest.] Celty hesitated a long time before adding, [He’s really scared.]

Shizuo felt the heavily implied ‘of you’ and swallowed thickly. 

“I-” He looked at the ground, “I understand.” 

[I’m sure he will talk to you eventually.] 

“Really?” Shizuo asked urgently.

[Yes. Just give him time.] 

Shizuo wanted to cry but nodded and finally thought only of Izaya’s delicate state. He recognized that it was much more important.

“Ok.” He sighed.

[I’ll text you.]

Shizuo could gather that it was time for him to leave.

“Thank you. I guess I-” He still felt god damn awful though. “I’ll see you later, then.” 

Celty grabbed his shoulder and stopped him.

[It will be ok.]

Shizuo gave her a tight smile, walked back into the elevator, and tried to believe her as he made his way outside.

Rokujou refrained from saying I told you so on the ride back.

* * *

_Kawagoe Highway - Celty’s apartment _

_Later that night_

***

[He carried you all the way to his place?]

“Yes.”

[So you know that he wasn’t going to hurt you.] 

“Oh, I do?” 

[He didn’t want anything bad to happen to you.]

Izaya narrowed his eyes at Celty.

“Why wouldn’t he?”

[I’m not asking you to forget about everything that happened. Just think about now. Think about]-

“I’m afraid I’m quite fixated on the past.” 

A long time ago, Izaya’s ironic eloquence made Celty furious, but now it was different. Now he said everything with a straight face and a carefully controlled voice and the irony hit in a completely different way. 

[Why were you in Yoyogi?] Celty changed the subject.

“I just like going there. My apartment is in Yokohama.” Some of the truth.

[Is that where you’ve been?]

“For a while. I wasn’t planning on staying.”

[Where will you go?]

Izaya considered Celty’s question very seriously. 

Then he asked, “Why did you answer when I called?” 

[I got your letter.]

“And that’s all there is to it?” 

[I could tell how serious you were. It felt like the first time I was actually hearing the real you.]

Izaya smiled and looked away. “Am I that different?”

[It’s not that you’re different actually… More like you’re finally not acting. It is quite alarming. I can see why Shizuo was so startled.]

“Shizuo just couldn’t believe he saw me again after I dropped off the face of the earth.”

[You know what I mean.]

“I doubt that it made much of a difference in his mind.”

Celty let it rest. She had already assumed that Izaya would make talking about Shizuo as difficult as possible.

[What do you do these days?]

Izaya was looking out the living room window and avoiding Celty’s implied gaze.

“I’ve been in school.”

[Really??]

“That hard to believe?” Izaya asked, grinning.

[No I… I guess not. Do you, I mean]-

“I’m not the same as before, like you said.” 

[So no games?]

Izaya laughed. “No, no games at all. I was thinking of applying to a Master’s program in Spring. ” 

[That’s incredible, you’ve only been gone a year and a half!]

“I know. I just needed to keep occupied.”

[Izaya.]

“Yes?”

[I forgive you.]

Izaya was openly shocked. “You’re serious?” He laughed through the words.

[Yeah. It’s been a long time. But that’s not even the point. I can just...I don’t know. I can see you a lot more clearly now. Before it was like an eternal performance. Do you know what I mean?]

“I do.” Izaya smiled at her.

[I think you might actually be a good person.]

Izaya closed his eyes and said, “You’re wrong.”

[I think you]-

“Where’s Shinra?” Izaya abruptly changed the subject.

Celty pulled her pda away but didn’t type anything new.

“You can just tell me,” Izaya said softly, “No games, remember?”

[I actually just don’t want to upset you.]

“I swear to be insurmountably stoic.”

[You’re hilarious.]

“Thank you,” Izaya answered, “But you really can tell-”

[I know.]

Celty began to type.

[I broke up with him. And then he moved out. It wasn’t long after you left the city.] 

“Really?” 

[Yes. I think it’s been over a year now since I kicked him out. I mean]-

“No, please-” Izaya began, “I’d prefer the entirely candid version.”

[Well, I did kick him out in that case. I know that might come as a surprise after everything, but...He wasn’t-I couldn’t handle]-

Celty pulled her phone back. She was tense and aggravated.

[He didn’t understand me. And after a while I realized he didn’t want to.] 

Izaya responded quietly, “He really didn’t.”

[I'm surprised...You sound like you’ve thought a lot about it.]

“I have.” 

Celty then bluntly asked the question that had been hanging in the air since the first mention of Shinra.

[How do you feel about him?]

“I don’t like him.” Izaya smiled at Celty's laughter. She was very expressive even without a face.

[Since when? Well- I suppose it has been a while now. But did something happen?]

“Well, a lot of things happened between us. Mostly in high school. But that was a long time ago. I mostly just realized that he is a terrible person.”

[It's really funny how plainly you say it.]

"Oh yeah?"

[The old you would have been indifferent, at best.]

"You're right about that."

[I'm honestly relieved you aren't upset that he's gone.]

Izaya was caught off guard. Celty cared about his opinion. He smiled and said, "You do seem much happier, if you don’t mind me saying.”

[I don’t mind. And yes, I am.]

Izaya nodded and then smiled as he looked at the skyline outside of Celty’s window.

[While we're on the subject, you don’t seem happy.] 

“Guilty.”

[Is it anything in particular?]

Izaya knew what Celty was trying at. 

“It’s not that I don’t miss being here.” Was all he offered. 

[How long were you going to be in Yokohama?]

“Another month, maybe.”

[So you’ll be going then?]

“Why wouldn’t I?”

Celty seriously considered her chances before she typed, [I know you much better than you think.]

Izaya frowned. “He hates me.” 

[If it’s really that simple then why would he protect you? He could have left you in the street like you said.]

“He felt obligated.”

[It really isn’t like that Izaya.]

Izaya sighed. “Then tell me what it is like."


	4. Goodnight Vienna

Shizuo didn’t bother trying to think of anything else in the coming days. He got carried away at work and found himself spacing out in the middle of streets at night. He lay awake every night, staring up at the ceiling, thinking of nothing but Izaya. Izaya laying on Shizuo’s couch unconscious, Izaya surrounded by roses in Yoyogi Park, Izaya running away in pure terror.

He saw Celty in the city a few times. They waved at each other like usual. 

Shizuo could tell that Celty could tell, even while hundreds of feet away and speeding into an overpass, that he was overflowing with tension. A painful awareness between them every time.

Shizuo knew he could text her, and she would no doubt tell him something reassuring. But he couldn’t stomach it, and on the off chance that it got through to Izaya, Shizuo didn’t want any unnecessary anxiety.

After two weeks of silence Shizuo had taken to loitering outside Celty’s apartment building, from a safe distance, a few times at night. Just to make sure he could still feel that Izaya was there. When he was sure he felt him there, he would walk back home, and he slept easier those nights.

After two and a half weeks, he got a text from a Celty. 

It was Saturday, five in the evening. She just said, _ Are you free tonight? _

Shizuo was _ flying _. Celty texted him again before he could reply.

_ He wants to see you. Can you meet in an hour at my apartment? _

The next hour passed very slowly. Until he saw that he only had twenty minutes and panicked over feeling washed up and took a shower. Then he put on a fresh change of clothes, feeling awkward in his suit, and left his house in jeans and a light blue button down. 

He didn’t care about getting to Celty’s apartment at exactly six, if anything he hoped it would convey to Izaya how important this was to him. He couldn’t believe how terribly he had plummeted from withdrawal after just seeing Izaya once, and for hardly any time at all.

_ He wants to see you. _

The phrasing was extremely satisfying. She could have said _ ‘He’ll see you’ _ or ‘ _ You can come over now’ _but she didn’t, and Shizuo had a feeling that Izaya had phrased it that way himself.

He knocked softly when he got to the door. Celty answered quickly.

“Hey.”

[Hello, you can come in.]

Shizuo stepped inside and she closed the door after him. As he was taking his shoes off in the hall Celty held her phone up to him.

[You have to be really careful with him, ok?] Celty studied Shizuo’s face, and then added, [You can’t raise your voice or move too quickly around him.] 

“Ok,” Shizuo said. He was caught up in thinking about all the intimate details Celty knew about Izaya that he didn’t. 

Celty brought Shizuo back down to earth with her phone in his face.

[When you come in stay behind me ok? I’m going to sit next to him on the couch.]

But Shizuo wasn’t a fool. It had become clear a while ago that Izaya was terrified of him. And really, what else could he be?

“I’ll be careful.” Shizuo affirmed.

Celty studied him again, making Shizuo feel appraised and untrustworthy. Then she held up her phone with the statement, [Try to think of things from his perspective.]

Celty left no time for the message to sink in. Shizuo was ushered down the hall and to the living room. 

When Shizuo saw Izaya he couldn’t stop from openly staring. It was the second time he had seen Izaya in ages, and he was sitting propped up on Celty’s couch with his legs stretched out, just like he had been in Shizuo’s apartment. Shizuo didn’t know that seeing Izaya laying on a couch would look so off-putting.

He looked like he was wearing Celty’s clothes, a light pink sweater and black sweatpants. He didn’t have socks on. It was the first time Shizuo had ever seen Izaya’s feet, and he knew, because he would have remembered seeing feet that absurdly delicate and modelesque before. Shizuo felt like a creep for looking and then he saw that Izaya was staring back, without any aggression. Shizuo felt like he would have stared indefinitely had Celty not appeared beside Izaya, leaning on the armrest and looking as if to check that he was ok.

Then she took her helmet off, and turned to Shizuo. 

It wasn’t accusatory in any way but Shizuo quickly walked over to the kitchen and sat down at the far end so he could still face both of them. He was silent because he couldn’t believe his eyes.

“I don’t mind if you sit over here.” Izaya finally said. 

“Ok,” Shizuo breathed and walked over, sitting in the chair opposite the couch. 

“Celty told me what happened,” Izaya said as soon as he sat down.

Shizuo was struck with fear.

“Celty told you what?” 

Izaya couldn’t have missed Shizuo’s apprehension.

“About how you’ve been upset. Since our last fight…” He definitely noticed. Izaya turned to Celty. “What didn’t you tell me?”

[I’m sorry. I couldn’t tell you exactly everything.]

Celty thankfully held up her phone so Shizuo could see as well. He had been waiting for the verdict on that one. 

[Shizuo needs to be able to tell you himself.]

Izaya leaned back and crossed his arms, looking at Shizuo expectantly, and Shizuo struggled to find the right words. Celty ended up holding up her phone again before he could say anything.

[But Shizuo’s shy, and he would want privacy for that conversation.]

“Celty!” Shizuo started, mortified. Celty began typing in a flurry.

[What? I didn’t know how else to say it!]

“Say what?” Izaya asked Celty indignantly. “Do you want to talk to me or not, Shizuo?”

“I do-”

“Why couldn’t Celty just tell me whatever’s so important?” Izaya asked vehemently. 

“Since when do you and Celty even _ talk _ to each other?” Shizuo matched Izaya’s tone, his control slipping.

Izaya was rendered speechless, and Shizuo looked at the ground.

“You’re jealous of Celty? You know we aren’t close or anything. She’s still _your_ best friend.”

“That is _ not _what is going on here-”

[Let’s get some things straight.]

“Can we?” Izaya asked, sounding bored.

[You need to give him a break, you know this is pretty absurd.]

“You think I don’t know that? I still can’t believe you answered my call in the first place.” 

[You’re still trying to fight with him.] Celty revised. [Also you are way more clueless than I thought you could ever be.]

“What does _ that _mean?” 

Celty waved his question away and Izaya looked so offended Shizuo could laugh if his heart wasn’t in his throat. 

It was incredibly jarring to see Izaya behaving in such a harmless and candid way. Even if they weren’t friends, Shizuo could see that Celty and Izaya were getting along very well. Shizuo watched Izaya closely. He was still so much himself, he just wasn’t hiding everything behind a mask the way he always had before. Shizuo wasn’t prepared for it honestly. He had been ready for Izaya to fight him or bite out some insult as soon as he saw him in Yoyogi. Shizuo felt his mouth go dry. 

He was definitely in love with Izaya. And Izaya had never looked more beautiful than he did right now. Seeing him was too good to be true. Like Izaya could vanish at any moment.

“You should really take a picture.” Izaya addressed him suddenly. “What is it, you aren’t used to me looking so defenseless?”

[What did I just say about backing off? He doesn’t want to fight.]

“I really don’t, Izaya.” Shizuo looked Izaya head on, bravely, and it finally seemed to do the trick. The defiance cracked ever so slightly and Shizuo could see Izaya beginning to realize how serious he was.

Celty began typing again and Izaya ripped his gaze away before Shizuo could relish in it.

[By the way, me and Izaya haven’t talked all that much. I saw him for the first time the same night as you.]

Celty hesitated, but Izaya said evenly, “You can tell him.” Shizuo was immediately on high alert as Celty held up her phone.

[He actually wrote me a letter about two months ago, and apologized, if you could believe that.] 

“Apologized?” Shizuo asked.

[Yes, for everything. Thoroughly. It really caught me off guard, especially when he didn’t do anything else after. He knew I would want time and space so he didn’t even push it. Although honestly I expected something worse...I was pretty freaked out for a few days...I thought he was going to jump out at any second just to laugh at me or something.]

“Oh come on, I told you so many times I wouldn’t.” Izaya interjected, and Shizuo couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not. He admired Celty’s stubborn refusal to be affected by Izaya’s ever compelling presence.

[I’ve been thinking about it ever since. And when I heard him on the phone the other night he was really]-

Celty pulled her phone away and backspaced while Izaya was perturbed beside her. 

[The point is, he really has changed. And I knew by the sound of his voice that he was sincere. I guess hearing that finally gave me confidence. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, I just wasn’t sure if it was my place or not.] 

Shizuo thought about everything that he had heard and said, “You never wrote me a letter.”

“You sound so disappointed!” Izaya laughed in disbelief.

“I-” Shizuo was about to say flat out that he was.

“I hope you can understand why I didn’t.”

Shizuo felt sick to his stomach. 

“I wouldn’t have been angry,” Shizuo said in a soft voice.

Izaya visibly retracted at the gentleness of Shizuo’s voice and looked down at his hands. 

“I don’t understand what you’re saying.” His tone did not imply that he desired a response.

[There’s a lot that you both need to talk about.] Celty stubbornly cut through Izaya’s brooding. [I can give you privacy if you want?]

“No-” Izaya began urgently and Shizuo felt his heart practically break in two. “Not yet.”

Celty nodded in understanding and Shizuo was again overcome with bitterness. She seemed so in tune with Izaya, his state of mind and his needs, and Shizuo very badly wanted it to be him in her place.

“I’m really not making you mad? At all?” Izaya asked after the silence. He appeared remarkably unguarded.

“No. Not at all. Really.” 

It was deadly tense, but then Izaya said, “Ok...” 

It was hardly anything, but Shizuo was looking him straight in the eye and he saw, again, a moment of understanding. Izaya was starting to believe him. 

[I know I mentioned it already, but you really have changed.] 

“So have the two of you,” Izaya smiled. 

Celty was taken aback. It was going to take a lot of time to get used to hearing Izaya’s acute observations without any trace of threat behind them. 

[You’re right. It has been a while. I didn’t know you could be so nice, either.]

“Nice?”

“You are being nice.” Shizuo cut in. “Don’t deny it. ” 

“Who says I am, blondie?” 

“I know you-” Shizuo began, and then shut his mouth just as quickly as the term of endearment sunk in. 

_ Is he fucking flirting with me? _

Celty jumped up from the couch, apparently over the tension. She turned to Izaya. 

[How about a change of clothes? You should let your legs breathe.]

“If you insist. You know, you’re much better at this than Shinra.”

[Thank you. I’ll go get you something. Will you be ok?]

Izaya avoided Shizuo’s eyes. “I’ll be fine.”

[Ok. Do you want pajamas?]

“Sure,” Izaya answered, and Celty headed off down the hall.

“You’re spending the night here?” Shizuo asked.

“I have been, yes. Why do you look like that?”

“Like what?”

“Listen to me, I’m really not up to anything. I’m not going to hurt Celty. You don’t have to be worried.” 

Celty was right. Izaya was clueless. 

“Izaya, you’ve really got the wrong idea here. I’m not worried about that.” 

“If not that then what?” Izaya’s tone suddenly changed. “What do you _ want _from me?”

“I’m jealous of Celty spending time with you,” Shizuo said in a hurry.

Izaya blinked at him. Celty was slamming things around a little too loudly in her bedroom down the hall. Shizuo waited for something to happen but Izaya had become a statue. It was actually a little scary to Shizuo, who didn’t do well with the uncanny. Izaya was too perfect looking to be completely still for too long because he would start to look like literal marble.

“What.”

“I _ am. _ ” Shizuo insisted, looking anywhere but at Izaya’s face, “ _ Please _ stop making me repeat myself.”

“In what way?” Izaya asked carefully.

The intent in his voice was terrifying. It compelled Shizuo to speak even though he was a complete wreck. 

“In what way? In the way where I’m _ jealous _of you spending the night here!”

Izaya’s eyes went wide. “_ What? _ What the _ hell _ are you implying- Wait- You know I’m gay, right?”

“Yes! That’s not the point! That’s _ not _what I meant!” Shizuo was overwhelmed. It felt like they were impossibly far from being on the same page. 

“Are_ you _ gay?” 

“What?” Shizuo lost all sense of anger, his mind changing track immediately. “Of course I am.”

“Of course…” Izaya repeated.

“Did you think I wasn’t?” Shizuo couldn’t read Izaya. He was definitely thinking a lot more than he was saying.

“No, I actually always thought that you and Tom-”

“Tom? Me and _ Tom _? Where are you getting these ideas from, Izaya?”

“...Ok.”

“And I meant what I said.” 

“When?”

“When I said I was jealous of Celty because you’re staying over here!” 

And finally, _ finally _, Izaya seemed to put the right pieces together. Shizuo just breathed heavily and held Izaya’s gaze, feeling like if he broke it, he would highly reduce his chances of Izaya believing him. 

“You’re out of your mind.”

“You haven’t even listened to me yet!”

“No,” Izaya said simply.

“Are you kidding me? You’re just going to-”

“That’s not possible.” Izaya stated, like he had seen the evidence.

“I know you’re a _ genius _but you don’t know absolutely everything.”

Izaya was offended. “Wow, so now we’re back to-”

“I wasn’t making fun of you, I-”

[Are you guys fighting already?] Celty had reappeared.

“No, we aren’t!” Shizuo snapped. “Sorry,” he said just as quickly.

[Are you sure? It seems like you are.]

“I think Shizuo is extremely confused.” 

Celty looked between the two of them and then handed Izaya the black robe and light purple pajama set that she was carrying.

Then she typed. [He isn’t.]

Izaya was going to counter it but Celty held her phone up again.

[If you can’t trust him, then trust me. I’ve talked to him a lot more about this than you have.]

Izaya turned back to Shizuo, who avoided eye contact. Now that Izaya had some inkling of how he felt, however small, Shizuo felt more exposed than ever. 

“I need a bath.” Izaya announced. 

[Fine. But afterwards.]

“Alright, then.” 

“_ Izaya,” _Shizuo pressed.

“I _ said _ I would. Would you help me stand, Celty?” 

Shizuo felt like he was seeing something he wasn’t allowed to. He also couldn’t look away because he was intensely, blindly possessive of Izaya as soon as Celty leaned over to bring his legs off of the couch. It looked like Celty was supporting all of Izaya’s weight as he struggled to stand. In the same breath, smoke spiraled from Celty’s neck, and a pitch black wheelchair morphed into existence next to the couch. She lowered Izaya into it, unprompted.

“You know I was going to let you do that anyway.” Izaya said, setting his hands on the wheels and rolling himself back.

[I’ve always been able to tell when you’re lying.]

Izaya laughed, sounding genuinely pleased. “Thanks for leaving me my dignity. I’ll be back in a while.” 

Izaya turned the chair and left without sparing Shizuo a second glance. Shizuo heard the bathroom door open and shut.

“Will he be ok in there on his own?”

[Yes. He told me he has to take a hot bath every night for the inflammation and pain. He’s been fine the past few nights here, although he needs help for certain things.]

Shizuo was silent, hoping Celty would explain further. She didn’t.

“How bad is it- I mean-” Shizuo felt panic rising in him, “I don’t really know what happened.”

Celty was still for a long time. 

[He’s healed mostly from your fight, but he didn’t start physical therapy until five months ago.] 

“Why is that?” 

[I’m sorry. I don’t know if he’d want me to tell you.]

“Right...” Shizuo said. 

[He really shouldn’t have exerted himself like he did the other night. It did a lot of damage.] 

Shizuo knew Celty’s statement was neutral at heart but he felt the lead weight of guilt settle in his stomach.

“I know. I wasn’t thinking clearly at all.”

[And you took him to your apartment when he was passed out?]

“I know, I know!” Shizuo stood up and began pacing, “But I couldn’t leave him there, he was just laying in the street!”

[I’m not saying that you should have left him, but]-

Shizuo stopped pacing and turned, “What is it?”

Celty typed and backspaced several times on her phone, and Shizuo came to sit down in front of her again. Her energy had shifted.

[He’s really not doing too well.]

Shizuo sighed. He was so tired and so anxious from all of the vague information he kept getting, from both Celty and Izaya. 

“Can you please tell me _something_,” Desperation was apparent in his voice.

The two of them listened to the faint sounds of traffic until Celty gave in.

[Ok. I will. I was worried it would only upset you, but you do need to know.] Celty pulled her phone away and Shizuo braced himself.

[One of his legs was broken, and not cleanly. One of his lungs collapsed too, and he had wound from Varona’s knife. But the worst of it was his arms. They were completely shattered. Aside from everything he had a lot of internal bleeding, and a concussion.]

Shizuo could throw up. 

[I actually saved his life that night. He was going to bleed out. It’s a strange memory for me though. I can’t really picture it clearly.]

Shizuo struggled to piece together his memories of those last hours, and what came to him was the image of Izaya struggling to stay upright, not fighting back, and saying in a bitter voice for Shizuo to kill him. 

[He left the city with a man who rescued him the same night.]

“Who?” Shizuo asked immediately.

[A man named Kine, formerly of the Awakusu-Kai. And a young woman named Manami. They found him, but it wasn’t so simple, I guess. She said she just wanted to be able to ‘Watch him die.”]

Shizuo had no idea what to say to that. It was horrible, but it wasn’t something that surprised him either. Izaya had inspired him to say and do all sorts of horrible things over the years. 

“You know I’ve never even wanted to hurt him, right?” Shizuo’s voice was tight in his throat. 

[I do know that. I can empathize with you better than most on how good he is at inspiring anger. And it’s always been your weakness.]

“I know.” Shizuo clenched his fists and held back a tremor. “The last time though… it was so out of control. It felt like the end of the world. ”

[It was the worst night of my life.] 

It was reassuring to see that Celty understood what he meant.

[I recognize that Izaya was responsible for a lot of what happened to me. But there was much more that was far beyond his control, that he had nothing to do with. Especially that night.]

Nightmare imagery flashed through Shizuo’s head.

[He doesn’t resent you, by the way.]

“What? He- How could he not?” Shizuo asked, “He’s-”

[He is scared of you, but he doesn’t resent you.]

“But I-” Shizuo struggled, “After everything I-”

The bathroom door opened then, and the two fell silent as Izaya came down the hall. The black robe he was wearing made him look especially fragile. Shizuo looked away nervously because Izaya looked...cute. In a way that Shizuo hadn’t seen before. Shizuo wanted to hold him and breathe in his smell, slip his hands underneath-

“Hello again,” Izaya said as he wheeled his chair up to the side of the couch. 

It was painfully obvious that he had heard the last of their conversation.

“Celty, I think I can handle myself from here.”

[Oh… Ok. Are you sure?]

“Yes.” Shizuo wasn’t relieved at all. Izaya sounded resigned. 

[I have a job to pick up tonight, and I can be back in a few hours.] 

“You should get going, then.” 

[I might have changed my mind about you but you’d better stop with the smart-ass attitude.]

“I’ll do my best.” Izaya said with a smile.

[I’m leaving.] 

“Wait, Izaya, are you sure you’re ok with that?” Shizuo cut in.

Celty paused after putting on her helmet.

“...You can be so unpredictable,” Izaya said in disbelief.

[...Is that a yes?]

“I’ll be fine,” Izaya’s eyes flitted to Celty and then back to Shizuo. His eyes were too bright with awareness. They rendered Shizuo entirely transparent.

[Ok. I’ll let you know when I’m coming back.] 

“Bye, Celty.” Shizuo heard himself saying. Celty nodded at him once, and before he knew it they were alone together.

“So,” Izaya began clinically, “You think you like me."

“Wait-”

“Isn’t that right? 

Shizuo’s temper spiked. “Don’t talk to me like that, Izaya.”

“Like what?” 

“Like _ that _ ! Like I’m beneath you! You _ don’t _know how I feel!”

Izaya was stunned. 

“I’m sorry-” Shizuo got a grip, “...I’m sorry for shouting.”

“No, you’re right. I’m sorry for having that tone.” Izaya was looking down at his lap. “Still think I’m not making you angry?” 

“No- it’s not the same as before, I’m not-” Shizuo sighed and began again, “Izaya, would you look at me?”

Izaya did, and then said, “You don’t have to feel sorry for me.”

Shizuo felt like he was punched in the gut.

“You feel guilty, right?” Izaya’s voice put him in a trance. “You really shouldn’t. I just finally made you snap, didn’t I?” 

“Why aren’t you mad at _ me _?” Shizuo countered. “I’m clearly the one that went too far.”

“...I appreciate how candidly you speak about it.”

“About what?”

“The fact that I’m disabled.”

Shizuo was in awe. “You really don’t resent me, do you?” 

“I don’t.” 

“But you are afraid of me,” Shizuo stated.

“But I am afraid of you,” Izaya’s voice was unyielding, even while stating this absolute vulnerability. “I don’t think you did anything wrong though.” 

“What?” Shizuo asked, “How can you say that?”

“I started it.” 

“Then I finished it.” 

“I can appreciate the symmetry in that,” Izaya smiled sadly. “But it’s not the same, Shizuo.”

“You’re right, it’s _ not _ the same because _ you’re _ the one who’s suffering!”

Izaya was speechless again. 

“I can see what I did to you! And I don’t mean the wheelchair-” Shizuo’s voice broke, “I can see what I did.”

“Don’t feel guilty,” Izaya was calm. 

“Izaya-” Shizuo pleaded.

“Listen to me!” And suddenly he wasn’t, “I’m responsible for this!” 

Shizuo was shocked. “You’re not.”

Izaya became enraged at the statement. “It’s _ my _ fault! I-”

“It’s _ not _your fault. And you don’t deserve to suffer, either!”

“Since when do you think that?”

“Look- I never hated you!” 

“What?” Izaya blinked and his anger was gone. 

“You never hated me either, did you?” Shizuo continued, unaffected.

“Would that make any difference now?”

“_ Yes, _” Shizuo insisted, “Yes, it would Izaya.”

Izaya looked away. “You’re confusing me.”

“I don’t think I am. I think you can keep up.”

“You think you _ like _me-”

“I do. I like you, Izaya.” Shizuo said firmly. “I always have.”

“...You always have,” Izaya repeated.

“Since I first saw you.”

Izaya laughed and repeated, “Since you first saw me.”

“I know,” Shizuo wasn’t deterred, “I’m sorry for what I said that day. And what I did. I was in a terrible mood and I was really intimidated by you.”

“Intimidated?”

“Yeah,” Shizuo continued, “You were so smart and so attractive, and you always acted like I was below you. From the very beginning.”

“You threw the first punch.”

“Only because you-”

“You’re right,” Izaya interrupted, “I did always like to bring out the worst in you.”

“Why?” Shizuo asked softly. 

“You really want to have this conversation?” Izaya asked, suddenly impatient.

“I need to,” Shizuo answered firmly.

“I was obsessed with you.”

“...What do you mean?”

“I mean just that Shizuo. I thought about you every moment of every day. I even knew where you were and what you were doing most of the time.”

“Wh- Since _ when? _”

“Are you kidding me? Since I knew you.”

“Since _ Raira _?”

“Before that. Shinra would talk about you.”

“Izaya- I don’t understand-” 

“That’s fine. You don’t have to.”

“No!” Shizuo pounded his fist on his knee. “Tell me!”

“Tell you _ what. _”

“Stop acting like you don’t know what I mean!”

“It doesn’t matter!”

“It does! I need to know! It _ matters _Izaya-”

“Why do you care? You’ve never cared before!”

“How could you even know that? It’s not like you ever tried to ask me-”

“Speak for yourself!”

Izaya was teeming with rage and Shizuo said, both in desperation and awe of the fact, “I am in _ love _with you.” 

Izaya was exquisitely silent. 

“I’m in love with you.” he repeated. “And you aren’t going to change my mind. Because I _ know _what I feel.” 

“...”

“And I’m _ so _sorry. I’m so sorry for everything that ever happened. I’m so sorry for every horrible thing I’ve ever said to you, and I’m so sorry for every fight.” Shizuo wiped away tears.

“...”

“I know I can’t take any of it back. But _ god, _I wish I could. I wish I-” Shizuo cried, “I’m so sorry I did this to you.” 

“You didn’t really do this to me, Shizuo.” Izaya finally said.

“Stop denying it!” Shizuo snapped. “I know the things that you’re responsible for, and this is not one of them!”

It was quiet until Izaya said, barely audible, “You don’t love me.”

“Izaya-”

And then he started shouting. “You _ don’t _ ! You said you hated me from the moment you saw me- You want me dead! I almost _ was _ ! And now after all this time you suddenly- suddenly- what? Have a _ crush _on me?”

“Don’t make it sound so- it’s more serious than that!”

“I’m sorry, what did I leave out?”

“Izaya-kun, don’t condescend-”

“You think I’m condescending _ you? _” 

“I-!” Shizuo tried.

“Like you didn’t only ever _ Izaya-kun _ me because it was _ so funny- _”

“No, it was just-!”

“To act like we were _ friends _-”

“That’s not true! That’s-”

“When you really only ever felt complete _ disgust _towards me!”

“Please- Izaya-”

“Why didn’t you just finish me off that night!”

Shizuo’s entire world came to a halt.

“I wish you had! I wish you _ had _ killed me! I wish I _ was _ dead!” Izaya was out of breath, his eyes wild and red. As soon as he got the words out he started gasping for air and trembling. 

“Izaya-” Shizuo began in a panic.

“Why are you saying all of this?!” Izaya yelled. Tears were streaming down his face. “How can you still want to hurt me, after everything?! Do you really hate me that much?!”

Shizuo felt like he was going to die. 

“I don’t! I don’t!! Izaya I’m serious I-”

“Just leave me _ alone _!” And with that Izaya spun his chair around and wheeled himself down the hall. Shizuo heard a door slam shut, a series of worrying bangs, and then Izaya hyperventilating and sobbing on the other side. 

Shizuo immediately rushed to the bedroom, but then came to a halt when he reached the door.

He knew how delicate the situation was, even if his personality implied otherwise. 

He wanted to give Izaya the space he had demanded. He wanted to show that he respected him and by doing so hopefully build the trust that had never existed between them. 

But he couldn't. Because he knew Izaya was hurt, and knew that, again, he had been the cause of it. And he now knew that Izaya no longer valued his own life. 

Shizuo stood silently in the hall until the sound of Izaya’s broken cries started to die down. Then he slowly opened the door, knowing Izaya would just tell him to leave if he knocked.

Izaya was laying on the ground, curled up on his side, the wheelchair a few feet away. He jolted as soon as Shizuo stepped in the room, trying to scramble to his feet.

“Don’t- Don’t- please! Please-” Izaya was crying as he tried to stand. 

Shizuo surged forward as Izaya shouted at him and caught him before he hit the ground. 

Shizuo realized, as soon as it happened, that it was the first time he’d ever touched Izaya like this. Gently. Fiercely protective.

Izaya struggled desperately against him, but of course it felt like nothing to Shizuo, who held him firmly to his side with one arm around his waist. Eventually Izaya’s thrashing faded into the full body shaking that Shizuo had become familiar with.

Shizuo wanted nothing more than to hold Izaya in his arms and will away everything that he was feeling, but he knew he couldn’t. So he picked Izaya up and stepped over to the bed and set him down more gently than he had ever done anything before in his life. Then he walked to the opposite side of the room and sat down on the floor, trying to make himself look as non-threatening as possible.

Izaya sobbed for ten more minutes, and Shizuo listened to it intently with his eyes closed, the most painful thing he had ever heard, because he was responsible for it. Eventually he only heard Izaya’s ragged breathing, and then his broken voice.

“What are you doing?” Izaya asked. He was laying on his side and hiding his face.

Shizuo didn’t know what Izaya’s question was directed at, so he said, “I’m sorry. I know you want me gone. But I can’t leave when I know you aren’t safe.”

At that Izaya slowly sat up, with much effort. Shizuo knew it was no time or place, but he remained in awe of how beautiful Izaya was. His eyes were shiny and his face slightly flushed and he looked like a fucking model. He watched Shizuo warily as tears rolled down his cheeks.

Shizuo’s heart thumped wildly in his chest and he said, “I swear on my life that I will never hurt you again. Ever.” 

Izaya looked down at his lap. “You’re serious, aren’t you.”

Shizuo didn’t let his hollow voice discourage him. He knew he needed to be nothing but unwavering if Izaya was ever going to trust him. 

“I am. I’m very serious, Izaya.”

“Unbelievable,” Izaya said with a bitter laugh. Shizuo felt ashamed because he knew that Izaya was right. Izaya had absolutely every reason under the sun not to trust him.

“I’m going to wait however long it takes.”

“However long what takes?” Izaya asked.

“However long it takes for you to see how I feel about you.” 

Izaya sighed and looked away. “You know I’m not staying, right?”

Shizuo’s stomach dropped. “What do you mean?”

“Just that,” Izaya answered.

“Is that why you were in Yoyogi Park? Did you move to Shibuya?”

“No,” Izaya narrowed his eyes at how quickly Shizuo had asked, “I don’t really live anywhere anymore.”

Shizuo didn’t want to go any farther down Izaya’s rabbit hole of vaugeries, so he asked, “When are you leaving?” 

“Before the end of the year. I wanted to go sooner but I’m not strong enough to travel after our little game of tag.”

“But December's only a few days away..."

“Yes, it would appear that I’m in a hurry.”

“Why?”

“Maybe I don’t want to be around when you change your mind about me.”

Shizuo felt angry tears welling up. “I’m not going to change my mind! I’m not going to hurt you again, Izaya! I’d rather die!”

“What?” Izaya was breathless. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s true.” Shizuo wiped his eyes. “I caused you so much pain. I’m still causing you pain. I-” his voice cracked, “I hurt you _ so _much.” Shizuo couldn’t look at Izaya as he said, “I really am a mon-”

“Don’t say that,” Izaya snapped, “If anyone should be the judge of that, it’s me. And I know you aren’t.”

“You’re the one-”

“I know what I said. You’ve said a lot over the years yourself,” Izaya’s anger faded as quickly as it came. 

“Then you believe me now?”

“...I can see that you don’t hate me.” 

Shizuo couldn’t help but be flooded with hope. It was leagues above anywhere they’d been so far.

“You’re asking me to believe a whole lot too.”

“Oh, hardly.”

“How can you say that? You told me you were obsessed with me, that you-”

“Everyone else could see how I felt about you.”

Shizuo reeled. “How you felt about me?”

“How can you _ still _not-”

Izaya was interrupted by his cell phone ringing in the living room. 

“Would you mind?” 

“...Sure,” Shizuo got up and left the room. When he grabbed Izaya’s phone he saw that Celty had already texted a few times. He made his way back to the bedroom and held out the phone to Izaya, who wouldn’t look him in the eye as he answered.

“Hi Celty, I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you before. I’m fine. We’ll see you soon.” Izaya stayed on the line for a minute longer and then said goodbye. 

“We?” Shizuo asked. “You don’t want me to go anymore?”

“I don’t.”

“Why not?”

Izaya was exasperated as he said, “Sue me, Shizuo. I really miss you.”

Shizuo couldn’t help his elated laugh. “God, Izaya, you have _ no _ idea.”

Izaya looked highly confused. 

“...You miss me?”

“Wh- Of course! I already told you how I feel about you-”

“How you think you feel-”

“How I _ feel, _Izaya. I miss you so much I could die.”

“_Stop _saying that.”

“It’s true.”

“You’re not going to die, and you’re definitely not going to die over something as inconsequential as me.”

“How could you say that about yourself?”

Izaya just shook his head. “You’ll see.”

“I’ll see what?”

“You’re consumed with grief over seeing me like this. I’m sure you’ll become bored once you find out I’m not what I used to be.”

“Of course I’m consumed with grief,” Shizuo said earnestly, “But I’m also going to prove you wrong.”

“God,” Izaya laughed, “I should have expected you to be as stubborn.”

“This isn’t a game to me.”

"Oh and it is to me?” Izaya asked in a suddenly all too familiar condescending tone.

“I didn’t mean-”

“Don’t worry, I was mostly kidding.” 

“You really are something else- Wait, you shouldn’t-” 

Izaya was dragging himself out of bed, unstable. 

“Stop worrying. You act like I’ve never done this before.” 

Shizuo watched reluctantly as Izaya lowered himself into the wheelchair.

He looked at Shizuo pointedly, and said more than asked, “You coming?” as he left the bedroom. 

As soon as he was out of sight Shizuo's stomach churned, and he quickly followed after. 

He realized he was terrified of Izaya disappearing around corners. 


	5. After Dark

_Kokusai Bridge, Izaya’s Apartment - Yokohama _

_ One Day Later _

_ Evening _

Izaya left Celty’s the next day. 

He woke up at seven and went to sit on the balcony. Celty came out later and they sat in silence until Izaya said he was going to go.

[Are you going to be ok?] 

The night before felt like a lifetime away, and so did Shizuo. Izaya would have felt like none of it had ever happened if it weren’t for the vacuumous absence Shizuo left behind.

“Yes, I’ll be fine.” 

After Celty returned from her job they drank tea together. They talked, kindly and without aggression, about things that had happened years ago, things that were happening now, and about Celty’s reasons for breaking up with Shinra. It was pleasant and extraordinarily bizarre.

The air was supercharged the entire time. Whenever Izaya would make eye contact with Shizuo he’d stall for a second, his words slowing with his thoughts, before he’d recover and carry on. Shizuo always just kept staring. 

It was after ten when Shizuo said he would get going. Celty cleared away the cups and went to the kitchen. Shizuo didn’t waste any time.

“Can I see you again?” He whispered, like it was illicit. 

Izaya slowly smiled. 

“I really did miss you, Shizuo.”

Izaya struggled out of the bath and shivered as he dried off. 

He had not given Shizuo an answer that night, and Shizuo had not asked again.

Izaya crawled into bed and stared up at the ceiling.

On another night, he would take a mix of benzodiazepines and fade out into an eighteen hour absence from the world. But he didn’t, because the grief and the torture and the adrenaline from the night before was exquisite. 

It was boiling underneath his skin and threatening to break free, so Izaya let it.

He doubled over in bed, heaving, and clutched his sides in pain as he threw his head back and his voice echoed loudly in his empty apartment as he cried and screamed.

Shizuo was so incredibly sincere in everything that he said. In everything that he did. 

Izaya wanted to go to him and demand that he say everything again, and again, and again. To prove it and to mean it. Izaya wanted to beg for forgiveness and promise that he’d changed and do anything really, anything, to be in Shizuo’s presence. 

Izaya knew he wasn’t going to do any of those things though. He wasn’t going to do a single thing at all.

He would cherish everything Shizuo said that night. He would never forget. The memories already felt dreamlike, but Izaya would happily and masochistically relive them every day for the rest of his life.

Izaya used to think that if hate was all he could get, then he would make sure that Shizuo hated him more than he could ever love anything. How ironic that the opposite would feel so much more unbearable. 

Shizuo thought that he was in love with him. 

***

_ West of the Tobu Tojo Line, Shizuo's Apartment - Ikebukuro _

_ One Day Later _

_ Night _

Izaya needed patience, so Shizuo was going to be patient. 

He was distracted that day at work, not quick to anger, but slow to react. Over the past few months his thoughts effectively streamlined into the mantra of _ Izaya Izaya Izaya. _ Which might sound quite typical, but in reality nothing could have prepared him for the extent of his infatuation. 

Being in love made his past obsession appear inconsequential.

"So how did it go?” Tom asked that morning.

“Oh- uh,” images of Izaya screaming and crying flashed behind his eyes, “It was really difficult, to be honest.”

“To be expected, I’d think.”

“Yeah, but then things calmed down. I didn’t expect-” Shizuo broke off and tried again, “We actually talked. At first we didn’t but then... It was...really nice.”

“Nice?” Tom asked, “Did you cover...everything?”

"I mean..." Shizuo sighed, "Yeah. We did I suppose. But he's...Distant. You never knew him very well, so it would be hard to explain."

"Well," Tom began, "I get people being distant, especially if he's anything like I think he is."

"What do you mean?" Shizuo asked. "What do you think he's like?"

Tom laughed at Shizuo's quick response and Shizuo rolled his eyes. 

"I think he's extremely lonely, and isolates instinctually," Tom rolled his head to the side and cracked his neck, stretching, "And right now, being scared of you on top of that-"

"Wow," Shizuo laughed.

"What?" Tom asked, smiling. He drank from his coffee cup and looked out the window. 

"I need to leave him alone for now. I know."

"I know you know." 

"Hmph." Shizuo grumbled and sat back against the booth, crossing his arms.

"Hey, don't think like that," Tom started, "I'm actually kind of sure that you guys are going to get married."

“Stop,” Shizuo flushed.

"Oh lighten up. You never thought about it?"

"That's not what I said at all." Shizuo answered with a bit of an attitude.

“All of this is a lot of progress from where you were a few weeks ago.” 

And oh, did Shizuo know. He let it comfort him as he prepared to let Izaya make the next move. 

He was comforted when he thought of the expressions he had seen on Izaya that night as well. Surprise, contemplation, happiness. What Shizuo was sure was affection_ . _

Shizuo rifled through his dresser drawers and replayed the moment when Izaya had told him to stay. 

_ Sue me, Shizuo. I really miss you. _

He found his photo album in the dresser and went to his bed, sitting down and flipping through. 

The photo he stopped at was taken four years ago, in Spring, at Russia Sushi. Erika organized the event, a joint birthday party for her and Walker that was both wildly premature and belated. She invited Izaya. Kadota took the picture.

Izaya was standing next to Shinra, who was standing next to Shizuo. Shizuo was frowning but relaxed. And Izaya. 

Shizuo groaned as he set the album down and fumbled to unzip his fly. 

Izaya was looking at Shizuo. 

Shizuo was straining against his briefs.

Izaya, in his tight black t-shirt and surprisingly muscled arms and sweet and spicy smelling cologne that shizuo could imagine so clearly to this day, was looking at Shizuo with _ adoration. _

“Oh _ God- _” he moaned as he took his pulsing erection in hand, slicking all the precum down his shaft. 

He closed his eyes and imagined that night going very differently.

_ ‘Don’t you look awfully handsome tonight.’ _

Shizuo pumped himself vigorously, imagining Izaya’s pretty voice turning seductive _ which was not that difficult to imagine. _

_ 'Speak for yourself,’ Shizuo’s eyes dropped down to Izaya’s tight pants and then back up. _

Fantasy Izaya was pleasantly surprised.

_ ‘Something special about tonight or do you always make a habit of checking me out?’ _

Shizuo wasn’t nervous in his imagination.

_ ‘No,’ he stepped forward, backing Izaya against the nearby brick wall, ‘Although I do like seeing more of your skin.’ _

_ The tiniest flush appeared across Izaya’s cheeks. _

“Oh fuck_ -” _

_ ‘I could have sworn you felt differently.’ Izaya was getting out of breath. _

_ ‘Don’t pretend,’ Shizuo trapped Izaya, placing both hands against the wall on either side of him, ‘I know you know what you look like.’ _

_ ‘Oh yeah?’ _

_ Shizuo growled and grabbed him by the waist, bringing him forward and flush against his body. _

_ ‘Ah-!’ _

_ ‘You look like a dream.’ Shizuo leaned in, ‘Like my wet dream, Izaya,’ He said his name right into his ear, and Izaya moaned, high and needy. _

_ ‘Mmmm, good boy,’ Shizuo said, low and dark, ‘Are you gonna be good for me? _

_ Izaya’s eyes widened and mouth fell slack. Then he looked to the side, shy and so thoroughly knocked off his high horse that Shizuo lost it. _

_ ‘God you look so good like this- Oh Izaya- I want you so badly. So so badly.’ _

_ ‘Do you?’ Izaya’s hands started trailing down Shizuo’s chest. _

_ ‘Yes,’ Shizuo answered without hesitation, ‘I’m yours.’ _

_ Izaya looked surprised. Then his eyes got dark and he dropped to his knees, unbuckling Shizuo’s belt. _

Shizuo whimpered and jerked himself faster.

_ ‘I think about doing this all the time,’ Izaya pulled out Shizuo’s cock, looked into his eyes and took it down his throat in one motion. _

_ ‘Nghhh!’ _

_ Shizuo threaded his fingers through Izaya’s hair. Izaya moaned and nodded, eager, so Shizuo fisted both hands in locks of black hair and started fucking his mouth. _

_ ‘Look at you, _ ** _you_ ** , _ on your knees for me. Fuck- you’re so pretty-’ Shizuo growled and watched. Izaya looked absolutely tamed. His eyes were blown out and his hair messed up and the slick and wet sounds of his mouth working over Shizuo’s cock were obscene. _

_ ‘Mhmm, yes,’ Shizuo groaned as he pushed farther down Izaya’s throat and held him in place. ‘I can’t believe I get to see you like this.’ _

_ ‘Mnmnnnh,’ Izaya’s eyes rolled back. _

_ ‘I love you, Izaya-’ _

_ Izaya gasped and pulled off of his cock, jerking him off with his hand. _

_ ‘On my face, Shizuo.’ _

“_ Ah! _ \- Izaya! _ ” _Shizuo was loud, imagining Izaya with his mouth open, come streaked across his lips and face. He could feel his heartbeat pulsing in his cock as he came down. 

Shizuo spent the rest of his day scouring over every picture he had of Izaya.


	6. No one Knows What the Future Holds

_Kawagoe - Honkawagoe Station_

_One Day Before New Year_

_Afternoon_

***

Izaya was able to walk again in three weeks. It had helped a lot that he hardly left the bed. Normally he would be wildly bored after half a day and then hurt his body even worse with exertion. But all he wanted to do was sleep after he had seen Shizuo. When he was awake all he could do was think about seeing him again. And he knew that definitely couldn't happen.

Shizuo often did impulsive and irrational things when upset.

This time just happened to go quite differently...

So very differently.

Izaya continued through the crowd towards the gray daylight on the other side of the station's glass paneling. 

He couldn't bear to think about it. Izaya had spent enough time therapizing himself, and paying the price. He couldn't bear to think that Shizuo could actually love him, could be in love with him. Could even like him. He had enough trouble just keeping himself alive at this point.

Even though he always thought, since they had first met, that there was something more. There was something going on between them that no one understood. They were made for each other.

He always snuffed it out. Ruthlessly. But now he was finding it impossible. Shizuo was telling him- 

"Hey, excuse me-" Someone said behind him. "Hellloooo? You ok?- Oh, I'm sorry." 

Izaya looked over his shoulder and saw the leader of the Toramaru. He grinned when he recognized Izaya's face. 

"Sorry to be such a dick- You're Orihara, right? Can't believe I ran into you here of all places," Rokujou tilted his head. Izaya saw him glance down at his cane and then back up with no change in expression. Like he didn't even notice it. 

Izaya turned around to face Chikage properly. It wasn't without struggle and Izaya felt self-conscious even though he knew Rokujou thought nothing of it.

"I didn't mean to be seen." Izaya quickly regretted his tone.

Rokujou was completely unaffected. "Hate to break it to you, but you kind of stand out."

"Someone said that to me once," Izaya laughed. His voice sounded tired even as he tried to mask it. 

"Shizuo?" 

Izaya stilled. Chikage spoke about him so candidly, ignored all the unspoken rules.

"No...some man that stabbed me." Izaya answered, feeling derailed.

"Wow, no shit! Now I've got corroboration." Chikage rolled his head to side and smiled like they were buddies from high school. 

They had never even formally met. Izaya had no idea what Rokujou thought of him. He seemed amicable, but Rokujou was always amicable, even if he was about to beat the shit out of you.

Izaya wrote to him, around the same time he had to Celty. He had spent four days writing before it finally felt like he had covered everything, and everyone. He didn't expect anything back from Chikage, but Izaya no longer enjoyed lying to himself, and knew he would be if he said it hadn't made him feel bad. 

Izaya couldn't blame Chikage in the slightest. 

"Want to catch up?" Chikage motioned to the bench behind them, set against the wall and surrounded by glowing white vending machines, and Izaya sat down. Rokujou was being incredibly polite.

Izaya stared very hard at the ground. There were a lot of vending machines. He didn't want to notice it. But when he tried to let it go he felt even more obligated to think about it. Like it would never completely go away otherwise. Like there was something left about it that he didn't understand. He didn't want to and he couldn't stop. And suddenly it was all he was thinking about. A single pure thought that shrank everything down around him.

He heard a creaking sound and jumped. Chikage had just sat down next him. 

"Sorry..." Rokujou said, startled.

Izaya stared blankly for too long.

"It's alright. You know I've always been dramatic." Izaya managed a smile at Rokujou before he leaned forward, resting his head and hands on his cane.

"Wow," Chikage laughed in that dry, I-know-better-than-you way of his, "That is some post traumatic stress if I ever saw it." 

"Hah, you know usually you'd ask someone how they're doing before-"

Chikage scoffed and folded his arms behind his head, "Don't even start. Besides, I know how you're doing," He looked over pointedly, "Like a trash can."

Chikage looked away, suddenly blasé.

"Whatever. If you don't want to drop that fake polite thing that somehow survived all this time, I can't make you." 

Izaya enjoyed how Rokujou's lackadaisical nature was so extreme that it somehow wrapped back around to proper concern.

"It's great to see you." 

"Oh yeah? You too then." Chikage leaned back against the bench and looked like he had absolutely no care in the world.

Izaya went for it while he could, "You don't need to pretend-"

"I don't pretend," Chikage shook his head like the word left a bad taste in his mouth. "And I'm sorry I didn't answer you." Chikage glanced at him, "When you wrote me."

"That's fine. No one answered me."

"Really?" Chikage turned toward Izaya with indignation, "No one?"

Izaya expected Chikage to have said something like _Well, of course not _with a grin on his face. Not look...offended?

"Can you blame them?"

"Yeah some of them. Definitely." Chikage said easily and with volition, "I mean of course- I can't speak for others, but when you own up to what you've done, and truly change, well, what else can you do?" 

It was the first time since they began talking that Izaya saw Rokujou's breezy personality wash away to reveal such conviction.

"You're really ok with me?" Izaya asked, quite seriously this time. He studied Chikage's face, which was blank, his eyebrows slightly raised.

It was quiet for a bit.

Then Rokujou shrugged and grinned, holding his hands up as if to say _What's the big idea? _

"You're a riot." Izaya shook his head.

"What? You said you were sorry. More than once or twice. Hah! It's all-

"I had someone kidnap your girlfriend-"

"Hey, she was just my beard. I mean we're best friends- "

"Why so many beards then?"

"What can I say? I got along better with them. Men are disgusting." Rokujou said with a smile.

Izaya didn't disagree.

"So I had someone kidnap your friend-"

"Ah- ah you didn't really _have _someone do it you just made a post-"

"Why are you so unaffected by this?" Izaya finally snapped. 

"You're not the same person you were back then. That's why I never answered, I knew I'd only be able to tell if I saw you. I actually was hoping I'd run into you some day, so I could make sure."

"You thought we'd just run into each other," Izaya repeated.

"And here we are!" 

"You're right," Izaya acknowledged. 

"The world always works itself out eventually." 

"I've only ever felt the highs and lows."

"Oh of course," Chikage agreed, "But that's where you get a balance in the first place."

Izaya couldn't help but laugh. Who would have known that Rokujou of all people could keep up with Izaya's abstract manner of speaking.

Well. Shizuo could. He always had been able to. He just saw right through it.

Izaya turned away and stared at the ground. He thought about the way things seemed to be working themselves out.

"Waiting for Kyohei?" He asked.

"How'd you know?"

"I sold information, once upon a time." 

"Was this actually coincidence?" Chikage looked unimpressed.

"I'm just kidding," Izaya laughed and waved his hand, "I guessed because of what you're wearing."

"Well damn, now you're making me insecure." Chikage pretended to fix his jacket and smooth out his pants. "Wait, is it actually too much?"

"Not at all. It's winter." 

"You messing with me?"

"I don't really do a lot of that anymore." Izaya answered.

"I had a feeling, but I didn't want to get ahead of myself," Rokujou settled back down after rearranging his sweater.

"You're really in love." Izaya said, staring at him unflinchingly, "It looks good on both of you. I'm happy for you."

"...Damn Orihara you're kind of scary when you're nice. You'd better be careful what you say to people. Others might not be so self-aware." Rokujou grinned.

"Oh believe me I am."

Chikage bust out laughing. "Dude, you should totally come with us."

"What?" Izaya was surprised, "Where are you going?"

"Who cares? Don’t you think it’s been a long enough time that we can all just-"

Izaya waited for Chikage to continue but he didn’t.

“I’m listening-”

“Look, I really am sorry for being inconsiderate about your situation. Obviously you don't have to go anywhere- I didn’t mean to-”

"Oh- that’s what it is?" Izaya cut him off. "You're doing fine, actually." 

"Fine compared to others, or actually fine?"

"I didn't expect you to be so considerate."

"Why not?" Chikage looked genuinely offended and Izaya realized he didn't know how to explain himself.

"Well, guess we've never actually talked, have we?" Chikage said, smiling and looking ironic. 

"No, not directly." 

Chikage laughed. "You're so weird man."

“Mhm,” Izaya answered, “You’re highly outspoken, but you give people a nice sense of security with all that charisma.”

"Oh come _ on _." Rokujou said with a grin, like he didn’t need to elaborate. Izaya supposed he didn’t.

“I just wanted to see how you’d react.” Izaya answered.

"Jackass." 

"Look, it's your boyfriend."

Izaya enjoyed seeing Rokujou suddenly act like a total fool just because Kadota showed up. Izaya didn’t expect that at all from him, but Rokujou was nervous in his own way. Everyone always had something.

"-here, after what like, 2 years? Actually I have no idea about the timeline, Orihara-"

Izaya finally stood and looked at Kyohei. Slightly older, but not that noticeably. Hair longer, seems to be a thing everyone's doing too. Otherwise, same non-judgmental eyes and same kind but bored expression. Still the last guy in the room that's going to start something, but the first one to jump in at 3000 percent when someone inevitably does.

"Hey" Kyohei said, eyebrows raised like Izaya had on a new shirt that he hadn't seen before.

"Hi." Izaya said carefully.

"It's been forever. I didn't actually think I'd see you again." 

Izaya could see that Kyohei was actually quite affected. The guy always had a strange way of being neutral to good towards Izaya, even all the way through the years Izaya spent being especially despicable. 

"I didn't think I'd be back, if we're being honest."

"Are we?" Kyohei asked, with the smallest smile in the world.

"I-"

"Sorry, I had to. I knew it was the only chance I'd ever get to catch you off guard."

Izaya relaxed and sighed with a smile on his face. 

"Rokujou's made you instigative."

"Have I?" 

"Of course you have." Kyohei answered immediately and then turned to Izaya and held up his arms.

Izaya stared and said nothing, baffled.

"Stop making me look like a damn fool and give me a hug," Kadota said, so plainly, and in such a casual and familiar monotone that Izaya thought he was joking.

"Isn't he different?" Rokujou said to Kyohei, grinning at Izaya's surprise. 

Kyohei side-eyed Rocchi but smiled like he relied on the other's unimpressionable nature. His eyes landed on Izaya again.

"Come on, asshole." 

Izaya quickly stepped forward and hugged Kadota to hide what could have been a miniature breakdown. He knew that both Kyohei and Chikage were entirely aware of his instability, and prayed that they would ignore it.

They did, both respectfully quiet. 

"I'm sorry to impose on your time." Izaya said, looking between them with a smile as he pulled away.

"Cut the crap Izaya," Kyohei answered, "Are you busy?" 

"Yeah, what are you up to out here anyway? Something for New Year's?" Chikage asked. He had an arm wrapped around Kadota's shoulder. 

"I was working."

"Uh oh." Kyohei said blankly.

"Not like that." Izaya laughed.

"And are you done now?" Chikage asked.

"Yes...I guess I am."

"Stop acting so confused." Kyohei chuckled.

Izaya regarded him with a trace of indignation. Kyohei just stared back like a brick wall.

"We're friends, Izaya." 

Izaya felt his stomach drop like he was at the highest point of a roller coaster.

"We are?" 

"HA hah haha ha!" Rocchi lost it, "Dude you look so funny when you're confused! Kyohei you've totally confounded him."

Kyohei seemed to think this was very funny as well, but was more polite about it.

"Yeah, Izaya," He answered, "We're definitely friends. Although I guess I'd understand if you didn't agree with me."

"...No, you're right," Izaya said, finally recognizing it for what it was, "We are."

"Right," Kadota answered plainly, "So," He cocked his head to the side and grinned, looking exactly like he had so many years ago, when the four of them would leave Raira in the middle of the day and almost resemble four actual friends.

"You got it in you to socialize?"


End file.
